Over the past year, I’ve become friends with the painter Serena Caulfield, who lives in Ballyhealy House, on the coast of my home county of Wexford. Ballyhealy is a beautiful old country house with a rich history. The current house was built in 1700 by the Meyler family, who had lived on the estate for many years previously. Father Nicholas Meyler was killed by Cromwellian soldiers at a nearby mass rock on Christmas morning in 1653. The surrounding land has its own folklore, its animal inhabitants appearing regularly in Serena’s paintings – otherworldly horses, dogs, and hares.

The house itself has occasional ghostly activity, often sited around one particular bedroom, the ‘silk room’. The house used to be a B&B, and some guests reported feeling disturbed by the environment. Serena’s mother recently saw a woman dressed in black standing by her bed; in the past, her sister also saw the same figure sitting at the end of the bed. However, neither of them felt anything sinister from this apparition. I’ve also felt the atmosphere of the haunted bedroom and found it hard to sleep, as if I could see violent images behind my eyelids, an impulse to be told something, which I resisted at the time. Serena herself has said she slept soundly in that room, with nothing bothering her at all.

With Serena’s permission, I decided to try automatic writing in the ‘haunted’ room. I took caution in preparations, not wanting to disturb anything unduly. Ghosts and spirits like to be approached respectfully. I came with traditional protections – salt, sage, rosemary, cedar, holy and well waters – and others I won’t mention here. It’s good to bring something of sacrifice, a bought bouquet of white flowers maybe. It’s important to establish contact and carefully break it afterwards. You don’t want to be followed home.

I held a pen and allowed it to be moved over the paper. Sometimes it was calm, other times it grew chaotic. The sessions, over two days, were tiring. I recorded myself reading aloud in one session, while writing, and added questions that are included in the second part of this text. It was hard to decipher some of the writing afterwards, and upon transcribing the audio, hearing my voice slip into strange cadences at times, I realised I have no memory of most of the experience. I have been as accurate as I can in my transcriptions. Occasionally the writing would veer off and become almost like a drawing; there was one repeating motif in particular that looked like waves, and there were also some unknown words, that seem to be names, as well as others that seem to come from a different language. Some of the results seem to hint at an event and lives from the past, and some of it, to me, has a tricksy, more spirit-like energy, of which I felt I should be careful. It is, of course, always possible that these texts came out of my unconscious mind. It feels less interesting to me, though, to reduce these experiences to the question of whether or not ghosts happen to be ‘real’.

SESSION 1

Dear feeling, say we can be dream that is ever from that a kind of I wouldn’t know it might happen but I did, and I’m only sorry that it wasn’t why are you here it is coming back, blackened it catches your thought arrived tonight it had preserved until light not I thought tonight not be read, did you hear, I thought be feeding, something said something, I was here you knew and they might, I was! Find a ray if you can please, could you say if it was, for there may be yet to come could you say at sea for they say they tell me nothing.

I am fading and it feels why searching said tonight it grew cold.

Sacred is not the only way on the evening knows it’s our way do you remember all night I try but they went down down in the end will they I want to help, sorry down, community communicating went to thrive of the sea to worry the sea helps sorry when sown the please keep meeting so waves that they’re gone at wave a night he wants he can’t come over to ever us we we we we we we we we we we we we we we

We here something moved, we we we we we we and waves waves and is it you here our home into us our home fire us something would be better we would help one I’ll found out I was here everything was. Who would you know?

I moved to where you are for how say it, could you? Found it to be somehow out of bounds like the light at the end of days and I couldn’t say it fast enough did it why why but it came so fast and that wasn’t not a chance not us, chance in the depth it feels so starry again, yes yes yes, and it came back for me, on that morn everyone a telling something ought to be and not very not who one it was no to be follow be quiet.

Sorry I caught up up fell not too hands, tying too long to my I haven’t hardly see is down there they are alllllllllllllllllll are alllllllllllllll. Forget them, we’ve done much to forget a little Oh a fine morning, and one more, where you saw?

Like it so more that it can happen so many before the water red in the water is red we fell fell fell fell fell fell nowhere the even by hunt that you I can’t bring was so easily out on the day found out I was gone and here I am and nowhere you are, the last of days until the end of the light, and the stars.

Find a way to drive the stars and I am sorry it seems like there is someone.

Faint would you, to let in a bit, not all the time contact weak why is it so dark and there isn’t even not to be the writing is what is here let us show us found out and it went like this dream it into the window like the one you want over there, it breaks and on the night it broke the we can’t say, too many went down followed it after and that is why found out do you want to find it? No!

Why not and not on this night wind and rain it was the dark is me and then well over there ten of them to begin with you can only pray for what you find

Find a wave to tell it was so free and he want too much to tell as well we gathered. I was the one who thought. Did you feel the rest, no not at this time

No, not perhaps it is to be for the ending, that’s what I think.

SESSION 2

Forward, we can go to where the end is, so that there is an end. Would you say, can’t tell. Feeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllelllllllllll helllllll helllllllllllllllllllllllllllll hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

I don’t.

[What is the meaning of this?] Where do you want? So that many may rise, outside it was not so dark, found our way, told no one, until it went down and it went down out of here. Could you let go now?

Sent here, why? Findings, tellings, terrible, terrible, so down black down, forest, down, terrible [wave drawings].

[Can you tell me who you are? I would love it if you could tell me who you are. Is that the night? Or is it the waves?] It was, no, no. [Who am I speaking to?] Not me. All of us, all of us. And our eyes are on.

[Do you have something you want to tell me?] Follow, do not.

[Tell me about the night] Found them.

[Who?] There is so many at all, it was deep, and the waves, and still it is.

[Did anyone die?] You can’t see in here, and I don’t want to. Find it? So many came and they said the rites, it didn’t wash over, fell down and we found we couldn’t come back.

Forms are we.

[What kind of forms?] Many.

[Are you dead people?] Haha. Well so many are.

[Did you used to live in this house?] We don’t live anywhere, anymore, for the sun shines else, on shadows of our sanctuary. Can you hear? Find it’s so sorry. Feeling better until the end of all of it it was so cold it was so so so sssssssssssssss

[Who am I talking to, who am I talking to?] We are.

[Who lives in this room?] Someone, they find the time long too long, our threat to them. What about it, don’t they find a way, down to the shore, gales, tracks, I was want, so many waves I could sing to you but I will not. What happened in the sea sea sea sea sea sea sea sea sea sea all that happened, was over, it went down, went down, and I went down, did I. And here I am. Over to your side.

[What’s my side?] Getting to you our friend and all. I want to never vesti vestival. And even kind, fellver sorrente eve sorrente, found it, and it went out to over their end, seemente, one over east wind

[Was it wind?] Over east

[Was it the wind, was it too strong?] To you if you so try and come to me I will bring it back, our friend.

Our so many.

[How many?] Bondler can try out and we had so much so dank and it feels

Into, can’t can’t waves waves waves

[Can you tell me about the waves?] Can if to tell you, it’s the wall wall wall and then tinter calling so that we many that can fly to under and it is too late late late late late late late so sorry. Followed you our friend, to the once.

[Today?] No maybe and where so many go

[To the graveyard? Do you mean? Did you follow me to the graveyard? Are you there?] So many are, counted them, counted are we among the Lord.

[I haven’t heard you mention religion before] The Lord protects and kills and happy are they who walk in the shadow.

[Are you happy?] Can we see? I found it a proper mention until it prepared me for the work of the Lord and there we gathered, and there we sang unto the Lord our battle and under the sea.

[Will you meet the lord? Do you want to meet him?] So are our song is, our song is, the meaning in it

[What is the song?] The song is our ending, oh many may fall and fall and fall, so many are we, can’t take it over, so many do.

Everybody seen here is here so we can’t feel. So there is someone who can feel, you would like him. Treason and mercy the sea and the waves and the Lord above went over so beautiful and the end. We can help you if you went to it. [Where is it?] So treason and its overkind but [Where, where, who are you, what is it?] It is the end.

Falling the day it came so that they would not fall. [So they would not fall?] And then you would find us

[Who are they?] They are the treason, they are the hoard, the Lord, the end of things the end

[When did this happen?] When it happened. And the end came on many legs and it was the end of all of us

[Why are you still here?] So we may be mercy. [Are you content?] And after the events of the day we find ourselves and therefore it matters until we stay.

[Who am I talking to?] The founder, the end, the one, I am whole, the kind that wants, the one who is in the want, the evening blood, the falling, the evening, and all that follows.

[Did you live here?] Free from all in the end, time.

[Why are you still here?] And it is because I am callen for the sermon of the comment and until we yes and all that bring and you so telling and our being come with us the end of our being and our being, any of us left and our serious sorting, serious sorting of onteray. For where are mentioned in the time we have and we have many of these to tell, the sea the end of many other in the long grass and the soiling of the hour

Long hours the arrow we live the time we live the time is ours give it to us to feel back

[And I don’t know what that means, what do you want to tell me?] So there is a young our friend with friends and she is here with us and there long leeeelre there is a find here here-eee.

To tell the truth and I have listened for the long time until I can see

[Who are you talking about?] Our friend who is over and she is in the sea and there is the can’t cover over feevers and her to the overcast. Such a fulfilment of the message and the nearest is always the sorting, sortee, so certain to fall

[Do you want to go? Ok, you don’t have to keep speaking to me, I’m thankful for your records so far] We want to go, we want to want, but the wind and the waves are here and we are we went to went to went to go, we went to go. You can’t are we are awe are we are we are we are we are we are we are we are we?

Are we home are we under tell tell meus feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer, under there tell us, so so they go in the end be there, there were the waves and they went over and over us too, and over it went ourselves, and our and our was there, was it us? No not us but for someone who went down there it not our time it was not it for the future of our family only could do it to under it was over on top of us and the water it over us, it was over us. Can you help them, where are they all gone under, are they ours, are ours? Ours ours ours ours ours. Sorry.

Carry us with the meal of the sanctuary or else we will not be our, me, and can we come if we can can our last selves and over the waves we did see the light over us, and there was over calls in the dark our names seen in the sea, our names of all that [scribbles] of our seering of sails. We cannot follow our ourselves there are many who can and the darkness is on the light, and the calling in the sea in the voices not ours, our only lost of these.

Me seen for you, only seal our flesh, south our epoch until we again can form, operate owwwwwwwn seemly seem some

[Is there anything else you would like to communicate with me?]

You are going. So sea.

[Thank you.]

Suzanne Walsh is an artist and writer working with performance, audio, and text. They publish essays, art writing, poetry, and fiction in publications including gorse, Fallow Media, and Winter Papers.

This essay was originally published in PVA 15, our ghost-themed issue. PVA 15 was guest edited by Emma Dwyer. 

Image: Serena Caulfield, Hope in the Dark, 2022. Oil on panel, 50 × 60 cm. Courtesy of Wexford Arts Centre. Photo: Lar O’Toole.